Kylah Harrington is the manager of the Parent Education Network and a nursery school teacher at The New Toronto Co-operative Nursery School.
I often start off my parenting workshops talking about how changes in society have affected the way we parent today. Very simply, it began with a shift to a democratic society. For centuries we have lived in an autocratic society, where the rulers had superiority and power over the submissive. Kings ruled the people, husbands ruled the home, parents and teachers ruled over children and so on. It was a hierarchy where the King was on the top and the people were at the bottom. People have come to realize that everyone is created equal, not just before the law, but in the eyes of society. In a society of “equals” we can’t “rule” over another. Once society dropped the model of submission, people stopped accepting the inferior role, and children were no exception. Children are sensitive to social change and quickly realized that they share in equal rights.
Some parents in my workshop have a hard time accepting the idea that children have equal rights. Equal rights don’t necessarily mean the same rights as adults. Four quarters and one dollar are equal, but not the same. Children don’t get all the rights and privileges as adults do because adults have more experience than them. Which is the reason why children need adults to help support and to guide them. I love the idea that we all have a role to play in the family and everyone has the right to be respected in their role, regardless of age.
Rewards, punishment, bribery and threats don’t work anymore. Punishments and rewards hurt the child’s self-esteem and harm the parent-child relationship. It is the impact of democracy that has transformed our social atmosphere and made the traditional methods of child raising unsuccessful. However, the change from an autocratic society to a democratic society has not been fully understood. The application of the democratic principles seems confusing in the parenting world. To so many, democracy means freedom to do as one pleases. As a result, children defy restrictions because they assume the right to do as they please. Children are enjoying all the freedom while their parents assume all the responsibility!
If Democracy means freedom and equality for all, then it also requires order and restrictions, along with responsibilities. We can only be free if order is observed. Democracy does not mean that everyone is free to do whatever they feel like. That would be anarchy. When there’s anarchy there is a loss a freedom for all. This is how I teach social laws to my children. It’s a relationship I call “freedoms and responsibilities”. You have the freedom to ride a bike, but with that freedom comes the responsibility to wear a helmet. You have the freedom to have toys in your room, with the responsibility of taking care of them. I am free to drive my car, but if I drive it on the wrong side of the road, my freedom will end very soon. The freedom to drive my car implies that I accept the restrictions in accordance with the safety rules of the road. This “order” is not imposed by an autocratic authority, but it is for the benefit of all. Children respond to rules when they make sense and when they feel parents are following social rules and not just because they said so. Therefore, if we are to help our children, we must provide clear limits and boundaries, and expectations for our children’s behaviour. Without this, children feel at a loss. Well-defined boundaries give children a sense of security and the feeling that they are valued and loved.
I will leave you with one of my favourite Rudolf Dreikurs quotes. “The proper way of training children is identical with the proper way of treating fellow human beings.” I also bring this philosophy and method to the nursery school I work at. It has strengthened my relationships with the children and I have noticed them flourish and thrive as a result from being treated with respect and dignity and as an equal.
