Nothing hurts the relationship between the parent and child more than using punishment. It may be effective in the short term but it comes at a cost and also deprives the child of understanding and experiencing their behaviour when we punish. If we get angry and yell, send them away or threaten them, the child feels hurt and becomes preoccupied with feelings of resentment. It’s a lose-lose situation.
So here are some alternatives to punishment that I want to share with you.
Express your feelings strongly without attacking their character. In the heat of the moment you can only tell them how you are feeling about the situation and state the facts. You want to try and control the situation, not the child. So that means you can only decide what you will do in that moment.
State your expectations. When there is a pattern or a repeated problem with behavior, it’s important to state what your expectations are. So if it’s always a problem with sibling fighting at a restaurant, you give them a head’s up about what you expect and what the consequences are if the fighting starts up. Think of it as a type of social training. It doesn’t completely eliminate the problem but downgrades it and keeps your relationship in tact.
Show the child how to make amends. We need to give the child a chance to make amends first. They should be thinking about what they can do now. Perhaps apologize, or if they don’t like being put on the spot you can encourage the empathy when they feel ready. If they were being destructive or disrespectful, you can ask them to try that again. Kids love to get a do-over. You can see on their faces that they already feel bad, so giving them a second chance is super effective in training them socially.
Problem-Solve. Talk about both you and your child’s needs and feelings and then brainstorm a mutually agreeable solution. Write down all the ideas without evaluating and decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like and which you plan on following through. Follow through and find out who will be responsible for what and what steps you need to take to get this plan into motion.
Fights should be viewed as a family problem in need of a solution rather that a misbehavior that needs disciplinary action. Using theses techniques will help your family create a more peaceful home environment.
{Alternatives To Punishment concepts are from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk}
By Kylah Harrington – Manager of the Parent Education Network
